I like aging. There’s great freedom in getting older. Believe me, I have plenty to fret about, but I know the difference between what I can and cannot control, and I am beginning to accept the difference.
I also know the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Years ago, I gave a TedX Talk on “The Power of the Pause,” and I relayed the steps I learned at Presence-Based Coaching about awareness of the space between stimuli and response. I quoted Viktor Frankl, and I had my twelve-minute delivery down. I had the facts and the language. That was knowledge.
Wisdom is accessing the pause. It’s letting the silence speak to me, listening to it, and responding honestly from that deep place in my heart. I’m working on it and constantly seeking it.
Last month, I attended a five-day workshop presented by Chip Conley, Karen Skerrett and Daniel Landes called “Emerging Elders: Wisdom, Growth, and Transformation” at the Modern Elder Academy in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
I went to MEA last year, and I was drawn to go again because of Skerrett’s bio. She taught at Northwestern and has researched the later lifespan stage, years not addressed by psychologist Erik Erikson simply because people did not live that long when he studying.
Erikson’s 8 Stages of Development end with Old Age as 65 and older and the choice of Integrity vs. Despair. We’ve increased our lifespan by about 30 years since Erikson’s time, but he must’ve realized he missed a few decades when he lived to 92.
Skerrett and her research colleagues veered from Erikson’s model, and she presented the breakdown of our later years into these additional stages:
- Midlife (45-60) – been there, done that – too busy to think about aging – “crunch years”
- Emerging Elderhood (60-75) – “period of disequilibrium in roles and identity” – no kidding
- Elderhood (65-85) – “preferment years” – almost there, trying to figure out preferences while avoiding Skerrett’s “Dark Cloud Crowd”
- Great Elders (85 and over) – preparation for a “good death” – Skerrett’s husband is Irish, and I figure she must have gotten this from his side of the family.
At MEA, twelve of us under the guidance of the three amazing facilitators traveled through this material with creative storytelling, silence, presence, tears, laughter and love.
We learned key tasks for each stage and discussed how to integrate our learning into our family, leadership and self-care. We learned about developing Realistic Optimism, cultivating Integrity and Ego Transcendence, and fostering Acceptance.
We discussed the stories we tell ourselves that lead to limiting assumptions. These beliefs may lead to soul incarceration. We create our own personal prisons. As I told stories under this revealing light, I could feel how they hold me back. I hold me back. This felt both freeing and frightening. I’m kind of comfortable staying where I am; it’s familiar. Why would I travel to MEA to learn about growth and transformation if I was not seeking change? Why do I have a mini library of books about growth and purpose?
I choose freedom, and am not sure what to make of it. I’m realistically optimistic about the future. As a group, we fostered positivity and energy, even as we confronted challenges.
Skerrett asked us to consider three powerful experiences that shaped our life story and view of aging. Mine involved the deaths of my father and brothers and the aging and eventual passing of my mother. Through this exercise, I discovered that I am letting those stories of the past shape my view of the present and future. They can inform the present, but they are not what is happening now. The people, circumstances, and relationships are not the same. Actually, nothing is the same!
Skerrett asked us to imagine different lenses by which to view our stories and to consider the magnificence of a kaleidoscope in shifting perspectives. This was a game changer for me.
She told us that research shows that in later adulthood, we get to rewrite our stories, and we can become expert storytellers by employing a big long list of R’s:
- Review of life
- Reflect non-sequentially and make meaning
- Remember and pull together plots and subplots
- Reconcile
- Resolve regrets and angers
- Repair, amend, make peace
- Revise – “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”
- Resigning and accepting life – “I love the life I was meant to live.”
- Recycle – share stories with others
- Rehearse – prepare for endings and new beginnings
I added more R’s to my personal list: rest, rejuvenate, replenish, rejoice.
We explored fixed vs growth mindsets, and I listed “can’t run anymore” on my fixed list and scratched it out. That afternoon, I returned to running, one minute at a time. And that’s enough.
On the last morning, I showered and reflected on the R’s. After shampooing, I thought, Time for One Big Rinse. That’s what the week was – One Big Rinse, a spiritual clean-up, a rejuvenation of blessings, and a deep connection with beautiful people sharing wisdom and stories.
I cleared the crud. I had no idea I had been clinging to beliefs that are not relevant, not necessary and not helpful.
On the last day, we paired up with someone for Appreciative Inquiry regarding a challenge. I said I feared doing something because I did not want to displease my parents.
My partner asked, “Are your parents alive to check with?”
I said, “No, they’re dead.” Then I thought of Thomas Lynch’s book The Undertaking where he writes over and over again, “The dead don’t care.”
My parents don’t care! And I know my parents would never ever want to hold me back. They would only want me to be happy.
And now I’m home, and I’m squeaky clean.
-Nancy
Nancy Scannell, MA, MS, PCC, is a speaker, writer, facilitator, exercise lover, grandmother, and Professional Certified Coach committed to growth, community, family and overall wellness. She hopes to age vibrantly! Go to NancyScannell.Substack.com or NancyScannell.com to learn more about this MEA enthusiast.