The year I turned 43, I reached a major crossroad. A cliff jumper and one-time rescue swimmer, I had inexplicably developed panic attacks in the water. They came for me as if I was a spiritual criminal. They seized personal attributes and locked me up with a reckoning that demanded to know what I was made of.
In this context, I was simply a woman who loved the water—a swimmer who wanted her niece and nephew to see the magic of oceans and lakes as a happy place and assist in a rescue again if ever need be.
At the time, I was also a screenwriter and a story analyst for a mid-sized production company in Hollywood. I’d analyze movie scripts and my more-often-than-not note (i.e., reason we could not justify investing $10+ million in said screenplay) was, in the kindest way, “this main character is too passive. She doesn’t have a clear goal, she’s not making active decisions or taking meaningful action toward anything, and therefore, her story, in this draft, is not ready.”
One day, the irony splashed me like a bucket of water: in my own life, I was a main character acquiescing to my circumstances. I was being passive in my life.
Shite.
Everything that got me here: Type A personality, perfectionism, hard-driving, results-oriented, achiever was not going to get me “there.” There being back to a free person in the water. Back to the person who did the daredevil things, had fun, and kept others safe.
I had to make some choices. And some changes.
In a Hollywood movie, the fastest way for a character to make their arc is for them to address their flaw. Which for fun, I like to call “flawesomeness.”
I had to do what all main characters have to do—if they don’t want to be victims. I had to address my flaw. Never an easy task. No one wants to do this. Our flaws protect us. Validate us. Make us feel safe and justified.
My flaw in this particular story was that I was distrustful of receiving help, avoided vulnerability, hyper-independent and convinced that the only way forward was to solve it myself.
I soon became laser-focused and overcommitted to understanding the “why” of the panic attacks. Perhaps a throwback from my years in journalism, bound to get all 5Ws (who, what, when, where, why) answered. Regardless of the reason, I could not release my grip on that question, no matter how much it kept me stuck.
Why was I having panic attacks?
Why now?
Why me?
Why were they getting worse?
As I would learn, why is often an unanswerable question, and my rigid devotion to it was not, as we say in the industry, moving the story forward.
I had to pivot. Invoke my own plot twist. I had to release my grip on the “why” being the way forward.
In a moment of intensity, not knowing what to do next, or who to ask for help, I called on all Gods from all religions and asked for a sign.
I got one—rather immediately. Committed to my main character journey, I followed it. I mean, when it involves a one-way ticket to an exotic island, who am I to say no? I went to the Dominican Republic to jump off of 27 Waterfalls as self-imposed exposure therapy. It moved the needle. After 10 years of increasingly debilitating panic attacks, I was moving in the right direction. I could get back in, panic-free, and condition myself all the way back to myself.
Identifying and facing our flaws in the context of the story we’re in is the biggest growth opportunity we have.
Admitting to, accepting, or—especially—embracing our flaws and weaknesses is not always easy. But if we’re going to script a life like the main characters we’re meant to be, this needs to be a major throughline of the story.
Only by exposing our flaws to air, light and space can we glean valuable information that can make our path toward our goal that much faster, easier and way more fun.
-Kristina
Kristina Paider is a mindset coach, editor, screenwriter, and author. Her book and workbook, The Hollywood Approach, leverages the neuroscience of story, ancient wisdom from shamans and medicine people, and Hollywood flair to help people face intimidating goals and live their best lives. She has worked with people in 34 countries. She enjoys travelling by motorcycle, open-water swimming and is a guest chocolate chef.