“You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give.”
– Attributed to Winston Churchill
I recently started watching the new series Your Friends and Neighbors on Apple TV. What drew me most was that it was filmed in and around where I live in Rye, NY.
The series features Jon Hamm, Amanda Peet and Olivia Munn in a dark comedy crime drama from Jonathan Tropper (author of This is Where I Leave You). Here’s the premise: Hamm stars as Coop, a recently divorced New York hedge fund manager who finds himself suddenly unemployed. To keep himself and his family living at the high standard to which they have become accustomed – mansions, expensive cars and clothing, private schools, country clubs – he turns to a life of petty crime, stealing from his friends and neighbors. As he says, “I’ve been thinking, these houses have all this stuff no one would miss for a while, if ever.”
It’s been fun noticing familiar shops and restaurants move by in the background. But the more I’ve watched, I realize what a commentary it is on those who seem to have so much. The labels might scream wealth and prestige but in truth, Trooper paints these people to be vapid and empty. They keep trying to fill their lives with more and more things – expensive watches, jewels, wine, getting kids into elite colleges, Hermès Birkin bags – but they fail to fill their lives with the one thing we all crave: purpose.
Hamm’s character muses about this one night while watching his friends opine over expensive scotch, “I think at some point it just started to dawn on everyone that this was it. These houses, these wives, these jobs. This would be the sum total of their lives. Their futures were already written. And so the quest to stave off the emptiness began: scotch, cigars, smoked meats, custom golf clubs, high-end escorts; entire industries built to cash in on the quiet desperation of rich middle-aged men.” Ironically, the one who had lost his job and had turned to a life of petty crime was the one who was finding a sense of purpose.
The quest for finding purpose seems to have become its own industry (or maybe, as a middle-aged man who used to be fixated on getting and achieving more, I’m now paying more attention). We became so fixated on chasing the American dream – which was all about acquiring more and more stuff (thanks George Carlin), thinking that it would somehow fulfill (as in full fill) us – but instead it left us empty. Thankfully, programs and communities like MEA exist to add meaning and purpose to our lives.
There are numerous ways to find purpose. Maybe it’s developing your Ikigai (Japanese for, “Reason For Being,”) where you ask four questions: What do I love; what am I good at; what can I be paid for; what does the world need? Maybe it’s listening to the teachings of MEA teacher and Outward Bound trustee and course developer Richard Leider who says that we can unlock purpose by Growing and Giving (what he calls, “the universal purpose statement”).
It might be delving into some of the world’s oldest teachings – the Bible, for example – where God says to Elijah, “What are you doing here?” and then comes to Elijah in a still small voice telling him to turn back to find his way. (I Kings 19). Maybe it’s finally attending a program at MEA. Whatever the case, the universe seems to have aligned itself to say, “filling your life with more stuff won’t bring you happiness or fulfillment. Purpose will.”
In his wonderful book, “Let Your Life Speak,” Parker Palmer writes, “Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.” (Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, p. 16).
“Your Friends and Neighbors,” is a stark reminder that more and more stuff won’t fulfill you. It only leads to loneliness, desperation and fear. Finding purpose – centered on a life of giving and service – is where we will come to find our true selves. I hope you have fun as you begin finding your own.
-Rabbi Daniel Gropper
Rabbi Daniel Gropper, DD serves as the spiritual leader of Community Synagogue in Rye, NY. He is married to Tamara, and is the father of Elijah, Shai and Noa. He attended his first MEA workshop in January 2023, and brings those teachings to the Jewish community.