What’s confusing is this: I don’t feel numb. I feel a lot – both good and bad. But the tears just won’t come.
For years, I’ve believed that crying is the body’s way of metabolizing grief. So when it doesn’t happen, it can feel like something’s off—like I’m skipping a step in the emotional user manual.
But biology tells a more compassionate story.
When we’re hit with multiple stressors—loss, fear, physical pain—the nervous system can shift into a kind of protective mode. The amygdala (our threat detector) is activated, cortisol rises, and the body prioritizes survival over release. In simple terms: Stay functional now, feel later.
Crying, it turns out, requires a certain level of safety. It’s governed by the parasympathetic nervous system—the “rest and digest” state. And when life feels anything but restful, the body may hold the line instead of opening the floodgates. Yes, you’re right. Chip, don’t over-intellectualize this…just surrender!
There’s also identity at play. Many of us—especially those who’ve spent a lifetime leading, building, caregiving—have been subtly trained to hold it together. Tears can feel like stepping out of role. And, of course, I learned as a young, closeted gay boy: Big boys don’t cry. But, there was my Marine Captain Dad beautifully blubbering all weekend with me. Now, it’s my turn.
But here’s what I’m learning in real time:
Grief doesn’t have a single language.
Sometimes it sounds like sobbing.
Sometimes it looks like writing your mother’s obituary at 5 a.m.
Sometimes it’s just staying upright when your world tilts.
So maybe the question isn’t, “Why can’t I cry?”
Maybe it’s this: How is my body choosing to carry this love right now?
And trusting that, at some point—when it feels safe enough—
the tears will come.
-Chip
P.S. Many of you know that my podcast, the Midlife Chrysalis, offers interviews with a wide variety of well-known folks twice per week (on Monday and Friday) including Maria Shriver, Arthur Brooks, Gavin Newsom, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brian Chesky. But, what you may not know is that mid-week (Wisdom Wednesday) we offer a short interview between me and MEA’s CEO Derek Gehl on topics that are relevant to MEA’s curriculum and ethos. Yesterday’s episode focused on the Value of Curiosity as we Age. Usually these mid-week episodes are 20-30 minutes so it’s an easy commitment.