In a recent NY Times article “Why Women Are Weary of the Emotional Labor of Mankeeping,” the journalist quotes a Stanford postdoctoral fellow who says, “What I have been seeing in my research is how women have been asked or expected to take on more work to be a central — if not the central — piece of a man’s social support system.” Sound familiar?
In a 2021 survey, 15 percent of men said they didn’t have any close friends, up from 3 percent in 1990. The same report showed that in 1990, nearly half of young men said they would reach out to friends when facing a personal issue; two decades later, just over 20 percent said the same.
Dr. Ferrara found that “women tended to have all of these nodes of support they were going to for problems, whereas men were more likely to be going to just them,” she said. She sees “mankeeping” as an important extension of the concept of “kinkeeping” — the work of keeping families together that researchers have found tends to fall disproportionately on women.
What we need to do is replace “toxic masculinity” with “relational masculinity.” Relational masculinity is a model of manhood grounded in connection, vulnerability, and interdependence—standing in contrast to the rugged individualist ideal that champions stoicism, self-reliance, and emotional detachment.
Rather than defining strength as dominance or isolation, proponents of relational masculinity, like Scott Galloway and author Richard Reeves, value emotional literacy, the ability to nurture and be nurtured, and the courage to show up authentically in relationships—with partners, children, friends, and community. It recognizes that true resilience is forged in connection, not in going it alone. While rugged individualism celebrates the lone hero, relational masculinity honors the man who finds purpose through mutual care, collaboration, and belonging.
Do you have a spouse, a friend, a brother, or a coworker who fits this profile of the man without friends? Send them to an MEA workshop, especially my cofounder Jeff Hamaoui’s Sept 29-Oct 4 workshop in Santa Fe “Human Connections for Life: Find Your People.” As Jeff suggests, how might we curate our life differently if we saw friendship as an intentional practice that we can constantly improve?
And, finally, here are two other recent articles and a Scott Galloway podcast on the topic: NY Times article about men calling other men at bedtime to tell them they appreciate them, a Washington Post article on what to do when your husband has no friends, and No Mercy/No Malice on friending.
-Chip