Bruce Feiler is a zeitgeist surfer who has a world-class ability to see what topics deserve more attention in the town square and he writes bestselling books to give these topics the proper attention. His newest book “A Time to Gather: How Ritual Created the World – and How It Can Save Us” came out this week and will be a foundational part of the MEA workshop he’ll be leading in September.
A few years ago, after my wife, Linda, and I dropped our twin daughters off at college, I walked through our front door and felt homesick in my own home. And it wasn’t just my children. All my relationships felt asunder. I had just lost my dad, was losing my mom, my marriage needed to be renegotiated, my friendships remade.
I went looking for solutions and found a startling story hiding in plain sight: the renaissance of ritual.
I needed something to anchor me and went looking for solutions. What I found was a startling story hiding in plain sight: the renaissance of ritual.
A generation into the loneliness epidemic, Americans are devising astonishing new ways to gather in real life. Fed up with isolation, polarization and digital saturation, people are flocking to rituals — collective, elective activities that bring us together for recurring shared purpose. Eager participants are reimagining how to mark life, love, health and family — and forging thriving communities in the process.
This groundswell of collective meaning-making may be our best shot to counter the divisive algorithms and artificial intimacies of Big Tech. And every person, regardless of background, can join in.
Rituals are the glue that holds society together. We have 300,000 years of evidence that when humans go through collective transitions, they hold joint celebrations, from baby namings to weddings to funerals. Yet today, we’ve abandoned many of these rituals. Can this threat to society be reversed?
To find out, I spent the last three years attending—and joining in—life rituals in 16 countries on six continents: a mass baptism in the Vatican, an adolescent tooth filing in Bali, forest bathing in Chile, six weddings in Las Vegas, and ten funerals in Ireland.
Alongside this recession in traditional life rituals, I discovered an equally remarkable recovery in nontraditional life rituals: chemo bells, NICU graduations, cancerversaries, soberversaries, trauma release ceremonies, gotcha day ceremonies, end-of-life doulas, end-of-company doulas, bender reveals, daddy-daughter dances, friendsgiving.
Missy Holliday, an Ohio nurse who lost her sister, DeeDee, in a car accident, was so horrified by the way doctors handled DeeDee’s organ donation that she invented honor walks to help families find purpose. As loved ones push the deceased toward the OR, accompanied by a favorite song, hospital workers line the hallways holding flameless candles. Today, all 50 donor support groups in the U.S. hold honor walks, which have 250 million views on YouTube.
One hallmark of these celebrations is that they address life experiences that institutions long ignored— not just marriage but divorce; not just fertility but infertility.
My goal was to identify simple things that everyone can do to create gatherings that succeed. The most successful ritual gatherings have three things: boundaries, empathy, and hope.
First, rituals create sacred space. Rituals, like relationships, need boundaries: fire, water, trees, chairs. Once you welcome people with joy to the circle, you define your tension and identify your intention. We’re here to celebrate or dance; we’re here to mourn or grieve. At rituals of renewal I led recently at TED, I handed out candles and asked guests what brought them to this gathering.
Second, rituals need empathy. The single most common phrase I heard in my travels was “holding space:” honoring the feelings of everyone present without imposing solutions. In my rituals, I’ve broken people into pairs, handed out bitter pieces of chocolate and asked everyone to share with their partner what they’re going through, then handed out sweet pieces of chocolate and asked them to share what a sweet outcome would be. At the end, people express their wish for their partner to the group.
Finally, rituals leave everyone with a moment of hope. One millennial designer told me about a mastectomy ritual she led for a friend. “I’m always listening for two things: the highest hope and the biggest fear. The purpose of the ritual is to turn fear into hope.” I asked people to write their hope on a stone, then turn it upside down in the middle of the circle. Everyone then claims someone else’s stone, reads the hope out loud, then takes home the wish.
The ritual renaissance has become a global force because it bridges the religious and the spiritual; it spans old and young; it crosses genders. But above all, it provides a roadmap to counter the divisive algorithms and artificial intimacies that threaten us every day.
Increasingly, we face a choice: It’s virtual or ritual, URL or IRL.
Ritual may not be our last hope, but it may be our best hope—one gathering at a time.
Choose ritual. The way home.
-Bruce
Bruce Feiler is one of America’s most thoughtful voices on contemporary life–he uses original research into life transitions, life rituals, and life stories to help people find meaning and purpose in times of change. Bruce is the author of seven New York Times bestsellers, including LIFE IS IN THE TRANSITIONS, THE SECRETS OF HAPPY FAMILIES, and COUNCIL OF DADS. His three TED Talks have been viewed more than five million times. His MEA workshop “Making Life’s Moments Matter: Reclaiming Meaning in a Disconnected World” is Sept 13-17 in Santa Fe.