As some of you may know, I am a mother of four kids, currently between the ages of 21-29. Yes, it’s a lot. And, as a Gen X parent, I have noticed that my experience as an “Empty Nester” is entirely different from my parent’s generation.
When I was growing up, turning 18 actually meant something, and by age 25, most of us were operating as full-fledged adults, getting jobs, and living on our own. In 1990, only about 10% of 18-29 year olds were living at home.
Compare that to 2023, when, according to a survey from Harris Poll for Bloomberg,roughly 45% of people ages 18 to 29 were living at home with their families — the highest figure since the 1940s. More than 60% of Gen-Zers and millennials surveyed in the poll reported moving back home in the past two years, often because of financial challenges.
Yes, this is challenging for those young people who are handicapped in having the same opportunities to launch that we did. But I’m here to say it is also challenging for parents who haven’t financially or emotionally planned for this extended stay.
Parents today are often in a much longer transition cycle of launching their kids and finding the joys of being an empty nester. The process involved in launching kids is both waaaaay longer than before, and much more complex. We used to think age 18-21 is the time to launch; now it is often more like 25-28. It’s a revolving door decade that can be complicated to manage.
For parents launching kids to college, trade school or jobs, note these young adults moved through Covid at home with their parents, and far more of their fathers played primary roles in everyday parenting. And, since most of them have had phones for as long as they can remember, 24/7 contact via text, tracking, etc. has created much greater emotional entanglement than ever before.
(Remember coming home when the streetlights came on as kids and calling your parents once a week in college from the dorm phone in the hallway?)
The parenting landscape has changed, yet there are few resources out there to address how to navigate the changes in identity, schedule, focus and sense of purpose that come when our children leave home.
I have been developing a new program with MEA on how to build TQ or a “Transitional Quotient” in our lives in addition to our IQ and our EQ. Learning how to manage transitions is a fundamental skill in an ever-changing world. I believe that empty nesting is a profound transition that is worthy of a makeover. No one subscribes to the process of launching our kids as a “syndrome,” yet it can be a profound opportunity for growth.
There are three stages of transition and at MEA we coin them the endings, messy middle and new beginnings. Let’s explore how this tracks with being an empty nester as many of you may have been involved in taking your kids off to college in the past month.
The ending for a parent is tricky when the first kid moves out. The anxiety of the inevitable ending can start to sting while they are still in high school. I call the empty nesting ending stage “The void” as that is very much how it feels. There is a void both in their physical presence, a void in the calendar without a zillion activities to manage and even a void in the refrigerator no longer packed to the gilt. Saying goodbye at drop off to school or a new apartment is a pinnacle moment.
The messy middle I am calling the “revolving door” and a time to practice the pendulum swing between the freedom of being an adult again back to the former role of parent. This revolving door naturally happens during college vacations and can help make this longer stage transition easier to tolerate. Today, this revolving door is lasting much longer for many parents who cannot seem to get their kids to “launch” and are scratching their heads wondering what they did wrong. In fact, this messy middle stage has become so long I would suggest for many it is a “revolving decade” from roughly age 18-28.
The classic third stage of a transition is called the “new beginning”, and for those of us reframing empty nesting I call it “Revirescence” or “Regeneration”. Revirescence is a rare adjective that means to grow fresh or young again, or to revive. It can also mean to flourish anew. Ahhh, doesn’t that sound amazing?
Despite the extended launch timelines, this is a time to use the extra 30 years of life we have been given to focus on vitality, social wellness and perhaps adventure. It is interesting to note that as parents, we default in focusing on the success trajectory of our kids, but spend less time on ourselves. The quality of friendships at age 50, our perspective on aging, and our focus on wellness have the greatest impact on our longevity. What an example to show by claiming this time for you to thrive.
If you are interested in exploring this transition in more detail, please join me during one of the most beautiful seasons in Santa Fe with my dear friend and colleague, Barbara Waxman as we explore reframing and thriving in the empty nest time of life Oct 21-26 (Building Your Empty Nest Plan: The Best is Yet to Be). Or join us for a fireside chat this Friday, September 13th at 11am PT | 2pm ET.
-Kari