According to the US surgeon general Vivek Murthy, there’s a loneliness epidemic.
The data for loneliness for men, for youth, and for aging people is abundant and being revised, replayed, and reviewed almost daily. Thanks to Dr. Murthy’s work, we now understand that loneliness is a crisis we need to worry about.
But what is loneliness?
Dr. Jeremy Nobel, founder of Project Unlonely, defines loneliness as “the gap between the social connection we want to have with others and the connection we feel we actually do have. As that gap gets larger, we describe that as greater and greater loneliness.”
Loneliness, then, is the relational gap between what we want and what we have.
There’s a definite stigma to being lonely.
Loneliness is, like so many things, seen as a personal failing. The committee of voices that plague us when we are lonely is endless. We ‘re lonely because no one likes us. We’re lonely because we are unlovable. We’re lonely because we’re boring. The list goes on.
We tend to see loneliness as a congentital problem. Something that is set.
But it turns out that research shows loneliness to be closer to a natural biological signal, like hunger or thirst. In his work on loneliness, Dr. Nobel suggests we should look at loneliness less as a chronic problem and more as a physical warning system, saying, “By accepting loneliness as a useful bodily distress signal, it is possible to accept the pangs of loneliness as invitations to explore and grow.”
As simple as it may sound, loneliness is a signal telling you to go and spend time connecting with people. In the same way hunger is telling you that you need food, loneliness is telling you that you need people.
Hunger is not a judgement – it is a physical need. It’s hard not to judge our own loneliness.
Even the idea of ‘loneliness’ needs some unpacking. It turns out that there are three distinct types of loneliness. The first, and likely the one we all jump to when we think of being lonely, is emotional loneliness. We are emotionally lonely when we have no or few close personal bonds. The second type of loneliness is social loneliness. Social loneliness is the absence of a wider network or a sense of wider social or group belonging. Lastly, there is existential loneliness: a sense of deep disconnection from life’s meaning or from the rest of creation.
Understanding these types of loneliness can help us respond appropriately when we feel lonely. Sometimes existential loneliness is more closely tied to purpose than it is to friendships. Interestingly, in all three types of loneliness, the solution is spending time with other people.
So how do you tell if you are lonely? How do you pay attention to your loneliness?
Here’s the weird thing about loneliness: it self-perpetuates and is predictive. The more lonely you are, the more lonely you are likely to make yourself. We withdraw from social interactions when we are lonely. The exact opposite of what we need.
Cognitively, loneliness isolates us. We perceive more social threat or rejection, focus on negativity in social interactions, and underestimate others’ willingness to connect with us. Loneliness manifests in our physical bodies, disrupting sleep and inflaming the body. This creates a cascade of tension, anxiety, and stress.
Studies have revealed that loneliness doesn’t just reside in individuals; it spreads through our social networks up to three degrees of separation – friends, friends of friends, and beyond. If someone you know is lonely, your own chance of loneliness increases by 52% and remains significant to that third degree. A lonely person in our group makes us all lonelier.
The lonelier you feel, the lonelier you become.
These loneliness-reinforcing behaviors are known as ‘maintenance loops.’ We actively work to stay lonely. We avoid social risk. Our ability to read others’ intentions reduces. We retreat into comfort habits. If you’re holed up, if you’re ruminating, you’re likely lonely.
The trick is to shift your understanding of loneliness from a terrible feeling loaded with self‑judgment to a warning system. If you receive the warning, you have to resist the drive to hole up and instead reach out.
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