10 Secret Rules of Friending

Jeff Hamaoui


Search the internet and you’ll find a hundred hacks on how to make friends.  So much of the practice of being a friend is apparent from the moment you start trying to make friends:  Be kind.  Show up.  Share.  As I’ve studied friendship, I’m discovered that some rules, even if they’re obvious, we somehow miss or forget.

These rules are secret – not because they’re unknown, but because they’re forgotten and hiding in plain sight. They’re all critical to making  friends.

You do you

The practice of friendship starts with you.  Self-care and self-friending is seen by some as an indulgence.  But here is the plain fact.  If you want to be a good friend. You need to be in good relation with yourself. Aristotle said “Our feelings towards our friends reflect our feelings towards our-selves.” The work of taking care of yourself and being self compassionate makes you a better friend.

If you don’t know how you feel – you can’t feel any better

r.Being self aware allows you to understand who and what makes you feel bad.  Feeling better starts with understanding how you feel. Once you know how you feel, you’re better able to show up for yourself and your friends. To do things in a way that suits you better.

If everyone is broken, no one is.

You be you

Authenticity is central to good friendship.  Show up as yourself. Studies have shown that what matters is in friendship is not what you are, but who you are. Showing up authentically allows you to connect authentically. 

There’s no one right way of being a good friend. You have to find your own way of being a friend and create your own friendship style. Get good at your style of friendship and understand its nuances.  It will serve you well and make it easier on you to perform as you make and keep friends.

friends, friendship, connection, MEA, women,

Work it

Friendship is a practice.  People who work hard at their friendships have more friends than people who think friendships just happen. You have to work at friending.  It’s in the bones of our language.  You make friendships. Forge them. Friendship is work in every aspect of life, even at work (especially at work). Making a conscious daily commitment of time and energy to your friendships will change your practice for life.

Take your time

Don’t rush.  Friendship isn’t a race. It takes a long time to make a friend. There ‘s no need to prove yourself quickly to the new people in your life. Friends are revealed and revelation takes time. 

The desire to make friends with someone can happen quickly, but friendship itself doesn’t happen quickly. It takes 200 hours to make a friend.  Be patient with your friendships and allow them to unfold. This patience will also give you the opportunity to be more discerning with your friends.

Editing is as important as friending

Friendship requires you to have good boundaries.  Editing friends is hard, but holding on to bad friends is ultimately harder and diminishes the value of friendship in your life. 

Get good at being clear where you want to invest in friendship and which friendships you want to shift out of. If, on average, we lose half of our intimate friends every seven years, getting good at closing friendships is as important as getting good at opening them.

Mind out

There’s a friendship mindset. Understanding and managing your mindset about yourself as a potential friend will help you be better at finding, making, and keeping friends – it will literally make people like you more. What the research shows is that being aware of your mindset, your expectation of being liked, and your expectations of other people, will predict how your friendship unfolds.

Make it safe, make it sure

The foundation of friendship is safety.  In fact, the etymology of the word friend is ‘the place of highest safety’. Listening, asking questions, and curiosity are the way to create safety in a friendship. Listen more than you speak. Be aware. Safety and trust accelerate friendship. Breaking trust kills friendship. Creating safety in friendships will keep them healthy for longer.

Same friend, different intensities

Friendship happens on a spectrum. Being a friend intimately requires you to show up differently from the 500 people in your community. Decide how you show up for those nearest and dearest to you differently from the people who are not as meaningful in your life. The best friend and the barista should likely not get the same levels of attention and investment. The trick to having clear friendship values is understanding how they show up differently with different types of friends. Clarifying your values, clarifying your style allows you to show up appropriately and in integrity for different types of friends.

Be a star

Having a clear objective ‘as a friend’ can help you improve as a friend. It gives your friendship practice a North Star, an intention. Set your own friendship intention to help guide the way you show up as a friend. 

About the Author

Jeff Hamaoui

Co-Founder

MEA co-founder and poetic Chief Education Officer Jeff Hamaoui is a gentle and empathic facilitator, business innovation veteran, and community builder who’s taught sustainability courses at Wharton, Berkeley, and Stanford.

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