Every now and again, you discover a term that, by its mere appearance, changes everything.
One of those terms is invisible labor.
It describes the quiet mental, emotional, and interpersonal work required to keep a relationship, office, or household humming.
The time spent making sure others don’t make a mess or that balls are not dropped consumes countless hours and energy resources of many kind, competent, and goodhearted people at home and at work.
There’s no union for invisible labor, no retirement plan, no promotion, and no golden parachute.
The Uneven Burden
And while there’s nothing wrong with invisible labor per se (it’s just what’s needed to get things done), as you’ll soon learn, the division of this labor is far from balanced.
In the workplace, according to Harvard Business Review research, this kind of work is more likely to be done by women than men. Across field and laboratory studies, the research found that women in the workplace volunteer for these “non-promotable” tasks more than men; that women are more frequently asked and expected to take on such tasks; and that when asked, they are more likely than their male counterparts to say yes.
At work, women are 60% more likely than men to take on tasks involving invisible labor, like resolving conflicts or organizing team celebrations. And, as you may have guessed, women of color are disproportionately impacted by invisible labor, as are those in lower socioeconomic classes. These tasks don’t lead to promotions, but declining them risks being labeled “difficult.”
At home, women still do the vast majority of invisible work—even when both partners have full-time careers. One recent study of 8,500 heterosexual professional couples revealed that women were five times more likely than men to spend at least 20 hours a week doing household chores.
Women are overwhelmingly the caregivers for their children, adult children with disabilities, and elderly parents. Sexual minority adults, particularly lesbians, face a disproportionate expectation that they will care for elderly parents because a perceived lack of additional child-raising responsibilities assigns them to be model caregivers.
The Mundane Costs of Invisible Labor
Much has been written on the topic, especially within discourse around broader social contexts such as child- and elder-care and household responsibilities, but let’s look at the more habitual, mundane ways invisible labor costs those who automatically default to donating their energies in daily life.
What else constitutes invisible labor exactly? Here is a partial list of examples:
- Planning ahead to make sure the kids’ homework is done before the holidays.
- Making sure the party invitations get out on time.
- Being the relational mediator between siblings, in-laws, and friends.
- Being the ‘gatekeeper’ of all the household information (“Mom! Where are my socks?”).
- Fixing the printer or loading paper at the office when others could do it just as well.
- Ordering the boss’s birthday cake.
- Having a willing partner or colleague who will do the task, but only when you ask them. You are the one always thinking about it, knowing the details, and therefore the one who has to ‘delegate’.
- Always taking notes for the group.
- Keeping track of birthdays, doctor’s appointments, and all the other little logistical details of daily life.
- Dragging your spouse to the couple’s therapist (that you find) after sending him countless videos and articles about validating your feelings.
- Being the only one who reads the parenting books, relationship books, and self-help books so that your family can tick along smoothly.
In other words, it’s all the mental, energetic, and emotional workload of remembering, connecting, problem-solving, and maintaining that would not happen if you were not there to do it.
But what makes these efforts insidious is that they are assumed.
The Weight of Delegation
I’ve heard people say, “Geez, all you have to do is ask!” when I’ve expressed frustration over always being the one to handle, for example, feeding the dogs or picking up the kids from school.
But that’s exactly the problem: regularly having to delegate to someone with less initiative is, in itself, invisible labor. It’s not the act of feeding the dogs that’s exhausting so much as it is the stress of being the one who constantly must think about it, remember it, or delegate it.
People will say, “Well, the fix is easy – just stop doing the invisible labor.” In some cases, this may be true – you can decide at any time to stop hosting the family Christmas dinner. But this oversimplifies a complex arrangement within society.
The phenomenon remains in play through an over-functioning / under-functioning binary tension dynamic where others refuse to take initiative, sidestep tasks, and dodge responsibility. This lack of initiative may be conscious or unconscious, but even remaining unaware maintains the status quo.
Here, the over-functioner may become aware of the dynamic – adding to their invisible labor – while the under-functioner remains willfully ignorant of their impact.
The Invisible Partner: Weaponized Incompetence
A contributor to this dynamic leads us to another term: weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is a subtle yet powerful form of manipulation where someone intentionally underperforms or pretends to be less capable to avoid certain tasks or responsibilities.
This behavior forces others – often women – to pick up the slack, leading to an unfair distribution of labor. In the workplace, weaponized incompetence often manifests in tasks that are deemed less desirable or non-promotable, such as administrative duties or routine maintenance, which are crucial but do not lead to career advancement.
Those who leverage incompetence tend to do so to maintain their position of power or avoid work that they find tedious or beneath them.
Take the modern office, for example. We’ve all encountered that one colleague – usually a man – who can’t work the printer, despite it being very straightforward. Or the guy who just can’t seem to deal with Google Drive, forcing someone else to upload documents. Or the dude who constantly loses the Zoom link for meetings. It’s all too familiar, and it’s all too deliberate.
Here are some other examples of weaponized incompetence closer to home:
- “Oh, I’ll never learn to validate my partner, she’s just too difficult (emotional, irrational, unhinged…)”
- “I can’t load the dishwasher right.”
- “The kids want you.”
- “I’m just not good at remembering birthdays.”
- (This was actually said to me) “I deliberately do a terrible job cleaning the house so she’ll eventually do it.”
It’s true that well-intentioned, accountable people sometimes don’t realize when they’re making you do all the invisible heavy lifting. Because it affects you more, you’ll likely be the one who has to speak up – yes, more invisible labor, but hopefully the kind that frees you from carrying the lion’s share.
Normally, those who are good citizens inside relationships will want to know and welcome the feedback. If they don’t, take notice.
Breaking the Cycle
For those of you who default to over-functioning, it’s powerful to start to disrupt the pattern. With awareness comes choice.
Here are some symptoms of over-functioning to look out for:
- Nagging
- Overwhelm
- Exhaustion
- Brittleness
- Resentment
- Walking on eggshells
- Contempt
- Numbing
- Disconnection
- Moving too fast
If you notice these signs, look to see if taking on too much of your fair share of invisible labor is the culprit. If it is, here are some ways that might help tip the scales:
- Stop Being the Hero – You might really like the feeling of saving the day. Perhaps it’s a way you were loved and accepted in your family of origin. Address that need and desire, rather than being run by it.
- Make a List – Think of everything you do that you do not get directly credited, acknowledged, or compensated for—everything you do in your life (personal and professional) that is not seen, recognized, or paid for in kind. Then reflect if you are taking on more than your fair share in the system. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
- Set Clear Boundaries – Establish boundaries by clearly communicating your limits and refusing to take on tasks just because no one else wants to. Your “no” will liberate energy and self-respect.
- Delegate Assertively – When faced with attempts to pass off tasks through weaponized incompetence, delegate these tasks back, ensuring that everyone shares the workload fairly. You’re not a dumping ground for other people’s responsibilities.
- Set out Physical Reminders – When your over-functioning is on auto-pilot, you need something to interrupt the habit. Press a yellow sticky note on your computer screen with the words “Stop It!”, or place an object on your kitchen counter such as a stone or vase of flowers to remind you frequently to check in and disrupt your compulsion to take something on.
- Silence Your Phone – Do this a lot more than you normally do. Start managing people’s expectations by letting them know you are unavailable and are reinforcing it by silencing your notifications.
- Speak to Your Boss – If you notice a pattern within your workplace that enlists women’s or minorities’ invisible efforts more than the guys, raise the issue to your boss or manager.
- Make the Invisible, Visible – Start noticing when others take on invisible labor. Acknowledge and appreciate their efforts. It will start to create a culture of seeing the work and no longer taking it for granted. It will also encourage others who are inclined not to have initiative to take on more.
Assertive Phrases for Change
Learn these phrases – they are complete sentences. No need to justify or explain. Practice them often:
- “You’ve got this.”
- “You can handle this.”
- “I trust you to make the right decision; you don’t need to consult me.”
- “You can figure that out on your own.”
- “Please don’t interrupt me, unless it is a life-or-death emergency.”
- “I’m not available… (right now, to do that, for this).”
- “There’s a list of important household info and phone numbers on the fridge. Please read that instead of interrupting me while I’m working.”
By the way, you can develop these and other assertiveness skills in my Assertiveness for Life and Leadership Course.
A Call to Awareness
If, while reading this, you realize you might be unintentionally passing invisible labor onto others, don’t respond with shame. Instead, pay attention. Is your partner frazzled? Does your coworker always seem exhausted? Consider how you can contribute more fairly.
And if you’re the one shouldering more than your fair share, take these steps to reclaim your time. Imagine what you could accomplish with even half the energy spent on invisible labor. Imagine how your life could change if you redirected that effort into your own well-being, business, or dreams.
Now, ask yourself: who benefits when you don’t?
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Kelly Wendorf is an ICF Master Certified executive and personal coach, published author, spiritual mentor, disruptor, and socially responsible entrepreneur. As founder of EQUUS® she specializes in the liberation of robust leadership capacities in those who are most qualified — the empathetic, the conscientious, the accountable, the generous, and the kind. Kelly is available for a wide range of services including Coaching, Workshops, The EQUUS Experience®, Retreats, Keynote Speaking and more.
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