Look around and you’ll see people – maybe even yourself – working on their physical fitness. But when was the last time you saw, or heard about, someone working to improve his or her relationship fitness?
Relationship fitness is a couple’s ability to grow stronger in the face of personal change and life challenges. It entails putting your relationship first; making daily gestures toward the growth of the relationship and carving out time for one another. It’s about being in shape love wise.
Most people say that their relationship with the significant person in their life is the most important thing to them. Yet few actually spend any time improving that relationship. Like muscles, relationships need to be stimulated and challenged in order to grow and be flexible. You have a better chance at maintaining a healthy long-term relationship if you tune in to and tune up your relationship on a regular basis.
So, What is a Healthy Relationship?
Healthy relationships don’t just magically happen, much as we might wish that to be true. Many, if not most of us, didn’t grow up with positive relationship education and as a result, normalize harmful behaviors and minimize the importance of positive behaviors. The bottom-line is that if you want to feel a loving connection then be loving in your connections—and hold your loved ones accountable to do the same.
Healthy relationships ask both people to:
Be loving/kind: People want to spend time with those they feel good to be around. We have enough hard times in life, we don’t need to succumb to meanness by our loved ones too.
Have a voice: If you can’t speak your truth, share your thoughts and opinions and ask for what you want, then healthy relationships will be elusive at best. In order to hold your own in a relationship you need to speak up. It’s not the job of your partner to read your mind; it’s your job to share your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams and upsets.
Be accountable: Part of humanity is making mistakes—we all make them and none of us can avoid them. Making mistakes however, is not nearly as big of an issue as pretending we don’t or blaming our mistakes/actions on others. A willingness to be accountable for how your behavior impacts your partner and make efforts to repair the damage those behaviors cause makes all the difference.
Show up: Being physically and emotionally present is also a prerequisite of healthy relationships. Relationships are all about connection. They require conversation, time together, partnering, sharing and two people both showing up for one another.
Hold each other accountable: Being an adult requires that we are able to both take responsibility for ourselves and hold our partners accountable. If you’re unwilling to stand up for yourself—why would anyone else stand up for you?
Manage your emotions: Blow-ups, rage and anger outbursts leave partners feeling unsafe and contribute to defensive responses. Nothing about that is okay, harmless or “normal”. We all slip from time to time but when this becomes a pattern and doesn’t lead to healing and repair, it comes at a cost to relationship health.
Be supportive: Your partner should be able to count on you in good times and bad. They should know you have their back no matter what and that you will be there when they need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to lend.
Treat your partner as an equal: Equality is essential to building a strong foundation. The moment you treat your partner as less than, you undermine connection and build resentment.
The most resilient or fit relationships are those that approach a challenge from a unified or team perspective, what I call “We-ness”. Fit relationships are based on empathy, compassion, respect, and positivity. Fit couples give their relationship priority, show a willingness to be vulnerable and make efforts to find shared meaning in each challenge they face.
So, how do you go about building up and improving your closest relationship?
Here are key strategies I’ve learned from my research talking with hundreds of couples facing stressors like a cancer diagnosis, job loss, relocation or the illness of a child.
* Begin and end the day with a positive, loving gesture toward each anothe
* Approach daily misunderstandings like a muscle sprain, something that requires immediate attention in order to avoid more serious injury
* Share your own feelings using “I” statements like “I feel frustrated that I can’t go with you Saturday. Respond empathically to your partner’s vulnerable feelings, like “I understand how hard that would be for you.”
* Send distress signals to your partner, ask for help when you need it and thankfully accept the help offered.
* During all the uneventful, non-stressful times, offer kind words, hugs, help with daily tasks and other support.
* Regularly get out of your comfort zone…try something new to do together.
Every gesture that improves the greater “we” and replenishes the well from which both partners drink. It is a win-win for both individual and couple fitness.
___________________________
So if you’re ready to step away from the noise and remember what it means to truly show up for each other, Karen’s retreat in Santa Fe this April might be exactly what you need.
Rekindling Connection: A Retreat for Couples in Midlife & Beyond
April 23-26 | Santa Fe, New Mexico