I’ve worked with people all over the world and spent years witnessing the seemingly impossible: fractured communities finding mutual understanding, discovering common ground, and building bridges where walls once stood.
What I’ve discovered is that when you’re in a conversation with someone who sees the world differently – someone you worry you’ll never see eye-to-eye with – there are five key lessons I’ve learned that can help us stay grounded, communicate with respect, and create the possibility for real understanding.
1. At our core, we all want and need the same things
In these divided times, it’s more important than ever for us to be cautious of “us vs. them” thinking and remember that across political, cultural, and geographic differences, we share the same basic human needs: connection, identity, belonging, security, meaning, and recognition.
How we go about fulfilling these needs might be different – and at times at odds with each other – but our fundamental desires remain the same. Recognizing our shared humanity makes it easier to bridge the gap and find common ground in similarities rather than differences. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll agree, but if we can find these places underneath, it gives us something to build on.
It also helps give others a reason to want to engage. Find what matters to them, then connect the dialogue to their deepest needs. If there’s no willingness there, it’s not going to happen. Dialogue is both a choice and a skill – but even if others lack it, your approach can transform the conversation.
2. Safety is the foundation of understanding
Without addressing people’s questions, fears, and needs, meaningful dialogue cannot happen. When dismissed, rejected, or threatened, we instinctively avoid those who think differently, seeking out those who reaffirm our physical and psychological safety, beliefs, and worldview.
To have meaningful dialogue across divides, we must create spaces where everyone feels safe enough to express thoughts and feelings without fear of attack, censure, or risk. Power differences exist and must be acknowledged for safe dialogue to flourish.
3. Understanding requires deep listening and suspension.
Communicating for mutual understanding requires deep listening and the practice of “suspension.”
Instead of interrupting, defending, explaining, or responding, we suspend our reactions. We temporarily put aside our assumptions and judgments, focusing our energy on listening to understand.
Even well-intentioned replies – like “me too” or “I get what you’re saying” – can inadvertently shift the focus. True listening means resisting the impulse to bring the moment back to you.
It’s about being fully present, curious, and humble – hardest precisely when we feel challenged. This is always a choice – and one that yields surprising rewards.
4. Stories bring us together
As a storyteller, I’ve witnessed how stories can either divide us OR connect us through our shared humanity. Science confirms this — our brains literally synchronize when we engage with each other’s stories.
We can argue facts all day long, but when you share a story about your grandmother and I respond with a story about mine, we’re no longer arguing – we’re learning about each other’s histories and understanding the journeys that brought us to this moment. The stories we choose to tell and the meaning we create from them can make all the difference.
5. Humanity is the bridge
When we dare to be vulnerable enough to reveal our own humanity while recognizing the humanity in others, transformation becomes possible.
For five years, I worked with a team building connections between African refugee communities in Portland – people from Burundi, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Ethiopia, Liberia, Rwanda, Somalia, and beyond – most carrying deep trauma and inter-community fears.
Yet as refugees struggling to find their place in their unfamiliar new home, they shared profound common ground and needed each other in unexpected ways.
During one breakthrough session, we gathered groups from different communities and invited each person to share the story of their displacement. As each person spoke and listeners recognized their shared experiences of loss and pain, the atmosphere shifted and everything changed.
People who once refused to share meals were soon celebrating in each other’s homes. My own emotional response – weeping alongside them – created a moment of shared vulnerability that built trust beyond my role as facilitator.
Putting these principles into practice
Communicating across divides takes time, courage, and emotional investment. We recognize not everyone is willing, forces can feel bigger than us, and we each navigate different levels of risk and privilege.
This isn’t easy work – but when we commit to it, it’s deeply human work. In our increasingly fragmented world, it may be the most important work we can undertake.
Whether you’re navigating political conversations, family dynamics, or tensions in your workplace or community, I hope these principles offer both grounding and possibility.
Because when we build safety, maintain curiosity, lead with empathy, and honor each other’s stories, we don’t merely “win arguments”…
We build relationships and create pathways toward a different future.