All the Names You’ve Taught the World to Call You

Haircuts, the True Self, and the Call to Adventure

One of the most challenging things about moving is…

Finding a new hairstylist.

Can I get a witness?!

In Seattle, there was Alexis. She knew her way around my large head, tiny ears, and steadily graying hair. No small feat, particularly because I pivoted on my desired hairstyle every few months.

After we moved back to my hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin in 2020, it took about a year to find someone new. First, there was the stylist whose face I never saw, even after four or five haircuts. It was the COVID days after all. Then there was another salon I went to, where I played a kind of stylist roulette, accepting a haircut from whoever they assigned to me. It was a season of wandering aimlessly from chair to chair.

Until I found Margo. She had a knack for figuring out what to do with my hair. Long, short, and everything in between. And—double bonus—she was genuinely friendly and a walkable distance from my house. For a few years, I saw her every 5-6 weeks.

But one day everything changed.

After getting another stellar cut, I went to reception to pay.

“How was your haircut with Ashley today?” the young woman asked.

“Great! But Margo cut my hair today,” I responded.

And then the receptionist uttered words that shook me to the core:

“Margo is Ashley.”

In an instant, images of my dozens of haircuts with The Stylist Formerly Known As Margo flashed before my eyes—shampoo, scissors, clippers, swept up piles of gray hair, and my various hairstyles.

The receptionist went on to explain that Margo had always been a fake name—like a stage name or pen name. The true name of the woman who had been cutting my hair, and talking about her partner and kids and adventures while doing so, was Ashley.

She was returning to her real name.

Apparently, but sadly not surprisingly, the receptionist explained, a substantial number of men think that just because a woman washes and cuts your hair she wants you in her DMs and in her life. So some stylists use aliases so they can’t be tracked down by their creepier clients.

A month or so later, I was back in Mar—Ashley’s chair. Explaining my shock. Listening to her why. Joking that I felt betrayed. We laughed. She said she was sick of using a false name. Besides, she never liked the name Margo anyway.

I’m still getting used to her real name. I’ve gotten it wrong on a few occasions. It’s an adjustment. But I like knowing her real name. And I’m happy that she’s reclaiming it—that she feels free.

***

Over the past week, as I’ve been journeying with my coaching clients and a courageous group of new friends at a workshop I co-led at the Modern Elder Academy’s Santa Fe campus, I’ve been thinking about this story. Because it reveals how we so often move through the world, and it points to the central task on the journey to wholeness.

At some point in our lives, we all claim a False Name. We wear it like a mask, to protect our wounds and keep others from seeing who we really are. We teach others to call us by the False Name to help us. To fit in. To keep us safe.

We hide our True Name.

But then one day we receive an invitation. An invitation to shed the False Name because it is no longer helping us. It’s hurting us. Hindering us from being and becoming who we really are.

This invitation—a call to adventure, urging us to leave behind the operating patterns that are no longer serving us—comes in the form of noticing our discontentment or exhaustion. Or it happens during a planned transition or unexpected tragedy. Or it arrives in a synchronicity, sign, or spiritual experience.

However the call arrives in your life, the question is always the same: Will you answer it? Or will you refuse it?

Refuse the invitation and the False Name you wear will continue to diminish your connection to your authentic self. It will wreak havoc on the surface of your life. And you will wreak havoc in the lives of others.

But say yes to the call and, little by little, the False Name will begin to fade away. Long dormant parts of you will begin to reawaken. You will rediscover your True Name. And you will claim it! Wholeness. Vibrancy. Love.

So start saying yes today.
Cheat on all the names you’ve taught the world to call you.
And remember to tip your stylist generously.

________________________________________________________

Speaking of reclaiming your authentic self – Ben’s got two experiences coming up that help you do just that:

First up: Return to Wisdom Masterclass (September 9-10), a 2-day virtual deep-dive into Ben’s Wisdom Well framework. You’ll uncover your unique wisdom signature and get clarity on your next chapter, plus a free copy of his book The Way Home.

Next: Discovering The Hero’s Journey in Midlife – Ben’s destination workshop in Baja this October. Using Joseph Campbell’s framework, you’ll map exactly where you are and chart your path forward.

Join him for the Return to Wisdom Masterclass
Explore the Hero’s Journey Workshop